The Six of Us

Usually on a day to day basis I am fine.  I don't think about the pregnancies I lost.  However, every once in a while it hits me like a ton of bricks.  My first miscarriage was in March I had a due date of around the middle of October.  A woman in my ward was expecting the same time with a due date with in a few days of mine.  She is my friend on Facebook and on Friday she posted about her son's sixth birthday. Their older kids are close to the same age as my kids.  It still makes me a little sad that we don't have a six year old running around.  I would have probably stopped with three and all my kids would be in school now. I love my kids but sometimes it seems so unfair we had to wait so long for Andrew.  I am grateful for the way things played out usually....but sometimes  waiting those four years and knowing what could have been is hard.  Maybe it doesn't help that my sister had a baby last week and now I want another one but not really.  I don;t want sleepless

On Wednesday I went to help my mom declutter and pack up one of her rooms.  Way more emotional then I thought it would be.  Of course we picked the room with the most sentimental stuff which is why i think my mother ignored it.  Every year my mother has given us books for Christmas.  In the study were several books where she had written in for Christmas for my father.  But what I didn't know is my father had done  the same for her.  My mom asked that I check all the books to make sure they weren't written in before they were given away.  I also found my dad's 35 year award from work and his retirement certificate. But when I left my moms house we had boxed two boxes to be taken to storage and I had a load to take to DI.  My mom called it a success. I found a PRN job for a psych hospital in Boise that I am think I will apply for.  I won't accept if the hours are not want will work for us.  It was a crazy busy weekend.  Jake had soccer practice Friday and then Lee too

Today was a crazy day.  Luke was up at fie which may have been doable if I didn't go to bed at one.  He laid with is until 6:30 when I woke the kids up but he was so restless neither one of is really slept. Then I laid him back down around seven and Andrew fell asleep with me until nine which is way later then we ever sleep.  Then it was rushing around running errands.  Andrew refused to nap.  Which means minimal cleaning because I kept putting him in bed.  I got six letters from insurance stating they were refusing to pay six bills.  So an hour later and several phone calls only to be told I have to wait several months to figure it out.  The insurance adjuster didn't respond to our request o settle which may be for the best. Work was crazy I was swore at and hit on.  I was lied to.  I came home emotionally drained.  But the night went quickly and I am glad to be home watching tv and trying not to cry.  After my previous breakdown today I would say sometimes all you can do is

Sunday at church one of the speakers gave a good talk.  (of what I heard of it anyway).  She said that we all have that one thing in our life that is drawing us away from the spirit.  She said it doesn't have to be a seemingly big thing.  But she listed several...anger, gossip, caffiene, eating junk food.  She said we should find that one (or two) things in our life that we need to change and use the church's 12 step program to help us change.  She was so passionate about it and really inspired me.  I have so many things in my life I need to change and I really thinking about which one I should do.  I have some ideas but no clear direction at this point.  But I think Monday I am going to start working on it.  After I have some prayful thinking about it. 

So today when I got to work my co-worker was in the social work office which is abnormal.  She was there with a new hire and said she just wanted to stick around to introduce me.  She then informed she had taken a job in Boise.  I am disappointed I really like her.  But the first words out of my mouth "Good for you"  She works full time and works opposit her husband so they have two days off every two weeks together.  Her job sounds like a great job and if I had all the kids in school I would consider it.  With her leaving I am the senior most person who works nights.  Scary.  There is a day scoial worker who has been there longer then I have but he isn't available when I arrive most days.  I knwo my supervisor is frustrated.  We have lost three good social workers to the Boise Hospital in six months.  I think it is due to the night hours.  Although nurses work nights maybe social workers just aren't meant to work after five.  :)  It also means that in November I wi

Today would have been my parent's 47th anniversary.  Despite all their highs and lows anniversaries were a big deal.  They would always take off for the weekend.  I remember being left home alone with my younger sister for a weekend on their anniversary from about 14. My dad was generous with my mom's gift.  Sometimes I wonder how they made it 45 years (and two weeks).  They were so different.  I felt my Dad around today and I know my mom did as well.  October and early November is tough on my mom but she managed to stay busy today thanks to her daughters and a good friend.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I am blessed to have parents who taught me that you don't have to agree on everything as long as you are loyal.  Dinner table conversations were often lively.  Luke and Andrew gave my mom flowers which she felt needed to go on my Dad's grave.  May have picked different ones if I knew that was going to be the case.  My sister did not have her baby today like my mom was hop

This weekend was just what I needed. Relaxing and calming.  I feel far more productive then I have in weeks.  Baked bread cleaned the kitchen.  Two batches of wash folded and put away.  PTO meeting.  Shopping at Target with the boys.  And back to the weekend.  I worked Friday night, Came home to my bedroom full of balloons with "Blue Bear" sitting on the bed.  Years ago when we were dating Lee broke into my apartment and filled my bedroom with balloons and gave me Blue Bear.  I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have the second time around Saturday Lee and I went out for our anniversary after Lee went to Jake's soccer game.  We wandered around the stores for a while.  Bought two tablecloths.  Yup we are exciting.  I found a sweater I loved but I decided to wait until it goes on sale before I bought it.  It was nice to just wander and not worry about rushing around.  Then we came home switched the car for the motorcycle and for the first time in several years w

I am going to be real for a moment.... Today is my 15th marriage anniversary.  For me marriage doesn't come easy either does motherhood but that is for another day.    Earlier this year I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it to another anniversary.  There were four things that happened very close together.  The first three in fact were less then a month apart.  Due to that I really felt justified in leaving my marriage.  The truth is I was probably justified.  One of the things that happened could have  caused me to lose my kids and possibly my job.  But that really would have been worse case. Actually worse case would have been the death of one of our kids.  There were about three or four months where I honestly didn't know if I wanted to stay married..  I knew I could financially care for the kids and so that was never a reason I felt I should stay.  In the end though one of the reasons I did stay was the kids.  I heard a quote once that said that there is a

Lee is heading home from his weekend in Washington.  I text him saying the kids were going crazy.  Ok only half were but it seems like it was insanity.  He text back I should call.  He said no matter how bad it is going there at least your child isn't being life flighted to Seattle.  Turns out his friend's son who he was just visiting crashed his bike and they think there may be liver damage but they need him to be at a better hospital then where they are,  So life flight here they come.  It is a four hour drive from their home and I know from experience they ususally only allow one other person on the flight.  I am sure he will be fine they just don't have the specialists they need where they live. So I am done complaining about the kids tonight.  I don't foresee Luke ever watching horror movies.  We were watching a cartoon and there is a spot where the dad jumps out and scares the kid.  Luke started screaming the same scream he had at the zoo with the sheep and bats

1) I was grateful to see s many great talks on how great mothers and women are. 2) I was disappointed that the three new apostles were all from Utah.  Some diversity would have been nice to see. 3) There were no women speakers in one of the sessions (Sunday morning) 4) Pres. Monson looked so frail and weak and just overall tired.  And he didn't tell any jokes. 5)  We should start pondering one scripture a week for at least 20 years  :) 6)  Women's Conference was a struggle for me I tried to listen with the spirit but I honestly did not get anything from it and it wasn't lack of trying I listened to it twice.  The talks from Saturday and Sunday really seems to speak to me and I am grateful for that. 7) We should ask the spirit what we can improve on in our lives.  If we ask with true intent we will get an an answer we need.  Not necessarily the one we want. 8) The most powerful message I heard was not from conference but one of the "Mormon Ads" in between.