The Six of Us

Something happened over the weekend and I am not sure I am willing to continue with the way things have been going.   I am emotionally done fighting.  I know I would be fine but I worry about everything else.   This just may be te straw that broke the camels back.   I am grateful to have good friends who are supportive.  Even though they don't know what is going on.  I am greatful for those people who do know what is going on and have helped us out.  It is going to be a long road and not one I am sure I am willing to go through at this moment. 

The short story is I really wanted to get out of town.  I get "cabin fever" as my mom calls it and I just wanted to get away for a few days.  Since Lee worked and I didn't the kids and I headed to Salt Lake.  It was a chaotic mess but we survived had some fun saw some really amazing new things.  I bought Andrew a life jacket and he had so much fun in the pool   Pool was a saline pool.  Which was nice. We stayed in an extended stay hotel.  We got a noise compliant the first night.  The second night Luke refused to sleep until 3:30 pm.  I was so frustrated and sad and felt as though my prayers weren't being hurt or answered. In two days we went to: Day One: Thanksgiving Point Lion House for Lunch Tracy Aviary Swimming Day Two: History of Natural History This is the Place Park Swimming Things we missed that I wanted to see: Red Butte Garden Fine Art Museam Pictures were really limited because I was with the kids so there isn't any with all of us

I have a friend/neighbor who told me she called CPS on her daughters baby.  One of the concerns were that mom didn't appear bonded to the baby. Baby is in NICU and mom didn't have a great bringing up.  I have some concerns with the call but, my comment to her was not everybody bonds with their babies at birth.  I didn't with Jake and I didn't with Luke.  There are those moms that instantly fall in love and embrace motherhood.  I am not one of those moms.  Motherhood has been a struggle and every time I think I have found my stride something happens and I realize that isn't the case. I love my kids.  I love that I have four healthy fairly well adjusted children.  But bonding isn;t that I just natural did.  Sure I took care of them and fed them but it took a few months for half my children before I "fell in love"  with Luke it was much much longer then that. 

So I will write a post about all of the adventures the past week or so over the weekend.  But today I was reminded that we are so blessed.  Life is good.  Lacrosse is crazy but four healthy kids.  Enough money for our needs and even some wants.  Victoria is turning into a fabulous dancer.  I am so blessed to have Lee in my life.  Today I text him, "I should cleaning but I am going to take the boys to the park."  His response, "Good for you."      So my house is a mess and starting at 3 it will be non stop running kids around.   But I did manage to get the bills paid and hopefully I will get some laundry folded.  I am trying to plan the summer.  I think having a schedule will not only help the kids but me as well.   Still trying to figure out Spring Break. I just need to make a decision and go with it.       

Last night was a super tough night at work.  I was scheduled until 10 and clocked out at 12:07.  Why?  Because somebody died. An 11 year old somebody.  There was a police investigation.  There was a father who went to a different hospital (our fault not his).  A mother who was out of country.  It was a mess.  Chaplin was called in as they are in these situations.  It was tough.  Father wasn't able to say good bye for several hours.    We made it through.  Odd thing of the night was when they called the time of death the nurses walked out of the room and went right on about their night.  The clerk commented on it.  The charge nurse said "what else are we going to do?"  It was draining.  I knew way more about this family then I wanted to from previous employment.  My heart broke for them.  However much money I made in those two extra hours wasn't worth it.  But maybe it makes up for the other nights when I sit and text my friend and plan vacations and still get pa

I can't believe February is over.  Where did it go?  It went to sick kids and extra hours.  It went to dance classes and car repairs.  We also had math night at school. Jake had book club.  It went to finishing taxes and helping my mom.  It went a million different places that I can't even remember now.  So what will March bring?   Lacrosse started yesterday which is three nights a week practices.  Victoria will have her first audition for a play.  Jake was invited to be in a spelling bee.  Spring break is at the end of the month still not sure what our plans are for that.  Hopefully we will be able get some spring cleaning done.  My mom needs help getting the house ready to sell. Pinewood derby is in the middle of the month.  We also have a concert for Victoria as well as field trip for her.  I am still working extra hours which should end the end of the month.  Jake has book club twice a month and the school carnival is Friday which I offered to help with.  I am still trai