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Our loss

Not sure why but I am going to write out my story.  Well this is my blog and I can. 
Graduation went well and I was so spoiled by family.  After the ceremony we went out to eat at what point my older sister asked my point blank if I was pregnant.  We were less then 48 hours from making the announcement so I decided not to lie and I told her that I was around ten weeks.  Sunday was Mother's Day and we said good bye to Lee just like we do every Sunday night. 
I had my concerns regarding the ultra sound on Monday but after two miscarriages it all seemed normal to be concerned.  I met with my doctor first and we discussed my concerns. The doctor measured me and said I was measuring around 10 weeks and that the internal exam looked good.  Then I had the ultra sound.  I could tell the baby was measuring eight weeks and one day but I figured that it was because my calculations were off.  The tech said there was no heart beat and I fell to pieces.  I could not believe this was happening again.  At that point the tech went to get the doctor.  The doctor was amazing and was compassionate.  I asked why does this keep happening and of course she had no answers.  She offered three different options.  One was a d&c and they could test the baby for defects and maybe that would give some answers, option two was medication to induce a miscarriage and option three was allow the miscarriage to happen naturally.  Because Lee wasn't home I picked seeing if this would happen on its' own.  If it didn't I would take the meds on Thursday night when Lee was back. 
I got home and called Lee.  He asked if I needed him to come home.  No I didn't need him.  He called back a few minutes later to say that he was coming home and would see me in six hours.  Since Lee was coming home I called the doctor and asked for the medication.  The thought of a dead fetus inside me was more then I could handle and did not want to spend the next several days waiting for something bad to happen.  

Monday night I took the meds and it has to go down as the worst night of my life.  I was so light headed I could not sit up and the cramps were horrible.  By the time I woke up on Tuesday I was feeling better although tired and really sore.  But I am so glad I took the meds.  It is now over with and we can move on.

Today I went to work.  I got there late and left early.  Tomorrow I am off and Friday I will be working another short day because of school.  


Lee and I decided a long time ago that if this pregnancy ended badly our family would be complete with our two kids This is my third miscarriage in 2 years well just over. Also it took nearly a year to get pregnant this time.  Not what we planned but it is just how it goes.  The good news is we are going to Hawaii in October.  :)  

I am so at peace with everything that is going on.  It is hard to explain but maybe seeing the baby gives me some sort of closure.  I am not sure.
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