L:ong story short I came across something that made we want to add back to this. Not sure why but hwere we go.
Life is constantly chaning and I feel so mnuch surround bu death lately. Not diredctly although I fee like that is coming but more just heartbreak for so many around me.
Yesterday Victoria quailfied for state. It was an answer to a prayer. I prayed she would qualify and felt strongly she would. As we left her away at the meet she was certain as were we that she hadn't qualified and then the clouds parted and she will be able to run. She told me she prayed that she would have a good last high school race. and her last race was not grea. There were tears. And rears when she called me to tell me she qualified. So rad trip to ther side of teh state next weekend
Wednesday Jake is going through the temple. So many mixed feelings for so many reasons. I shouldn't expect people to show up but sometimes it is just so hard when my mom is the only "church" support we have on my side. I wish that we had those great big chruch events where 100 people show up to celebrate my kids. But that won't ever be a things and as painful as it is i am working on accwepting it. On the other had all those people would be hard in some ways knowing what i know.
My heart is breaking and at peace and rasing adults is so hard and I have to be so careful who I say that to because there is so much "I don;t have those issues let me tell you how great my kids are"
Lee has been sick for a week. It feels as though my house is falling apart work is complicated ands I fee like I am failing at every turn. Although I have started feeling more motivated and I told Lee the other day I just "pushed through the depression"
At the end of the day it just is what it is.
October is usually such a hard month for me but I feel like this one has been better then last 15. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Dad would have stuck around or I would have a carried that baby to term.
This has been a tough week. I worked some extra hours which were only five hour shifts but were still were time away from the kids. Kids are at their breaking point and wether or not they know it they need schedules and some stablness. School starts Tuesday and comments about how people hope my kids dont kill their teachers with COVID is neither helpful or accurate. Plus we had a budget meeting after months of no meetings. In which we found out that we had once again over spent in August. Which could have been stopped if we would have known earlier in the month. I sent $1500 to student loans. Andrew turned eight yesterday and I am so thankful for him. He is become such a deep thinker and asks these amazing questions that I don't always have the answers to. The meds have helped slow him down but he is still crazy Andrew. We upped the medications and it was like he was on speed. He couldn't sleep and was kind of zombie like. Then there has been a few moments wher
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