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Feeling all the Feels

Right now I am feeling all the feels. We had such a great week with my nephew and Jake. The house is louder and has more enegy when all four kids are home. And our nephew is seriously one of favoriate people. He lets the boys hand on him and they just look up to him so muchd. So I am writting because I am not sure what else to do at this pount. I have been applying for a job(s) that I have been inspired to do for a long time. I have been really trying to to step upside of my comfort zone and apply for things that I know I can do although I have never done them before. I have been considering doing some writing and writing a book. I have no desire to be published I just want to be able to start being more creative . I have so many fears about so many things. Missy Kay turned 19 today and Andrew had his first tennis meet of the seaon. I am thankful for my people who show up to support and love us. There was this moment at the meet where one of the parents gave me haug aft...
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Recent posts

Time to dust this off

L:ong story short I came across something that made we want to add back to this. Not sure why but hwere we go. Life is constantly chaning and I feel so mnuch surround bu death lately. Not diredctly although I fee like that is coming but more just heartbreak for so many around me. Yesterday Victoria quailfied for state. It was an answer to a prayer. I prayed she would qualify and felt strongly she would. As we left her away at the meet she was certain as were we that she hadn't qualified and then the clouds parted and she will be able to run. She told me she prayed that she would have a good last high school race. and her last race was not grea. There were tears. And rears when she called me to tell me she qualified. So rad trip to ther side of teh state next weekend Wednesday Jake is going through the temple. So many mixed feelings for so many reasons. I shouldn't expect people to show up but sometimes it is just so hard when my mom is the only "church...
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This week was a Struggle

This has been a tough week. I worked some extra hours which were only five hour shifts but were still were time away from the kids. Kids are at their breaking point and wether or not they know it they need schedules and some stablness. School starts Tuesday and comments about how people hope my kids dont kill their teachers with COVID is neither helpful or accurate. Plus we had a budget meeting after months of no meetings. In which we found out that we had once again over spent in August. Which could have been stopped if we would have known earlier in the month. I sent $1500 to student loans. Andrew turned eight yesterday and I am so thankful for him. He is become such a deep thinker and asks these amazing questions that I don't always have the answers to. The meds have helped slow him down but he is still crazy Andrew. We upped the medications and it was like he was on speed. He couldn't sleep and was kind of zombie like. Then there has been a few moments wher...
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A Little COVID Update

SO what have been up to. Lots of nothing COVID sent me into a huge mess of depression and anxiety that I have slowly been getting through thanks to medication. The medications have made me a much better mom and wife. We spent a week with Lee's family at his family reunion last week. There was so many good fun times but there was also some frustration where Lee and I felt like we were the built in babysitters and people kept just leaving their children with us. I tried to be compassionate but sometimes it is hard. We are thankful for all the great memories we had, older kids got to go to Lagoon with their cousins which was fabulous despite snide comments about how much we make and what we can afford. We are thankful for Lee's brother and family hosting and always for the generosity of Lee's dad and Gina. And Lee's cousin took amazing pictures Jake got his permit and overall isn't such a bad driver just inexperienced. Marching band sort of kind of was cance...
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LOCK DOWN

The governor came out on Wednesday and ordered a lock down.  It seems like a good idea and will not changed our lives all that much.  We did decided that we would only go to the grocery store once a week we went last Friday.  We will go tomorrow which means it will be nine days.  Kids haven't been in a store in weeks.  Lots of time in the garden and working on yard projects.  It has been good and bad.  More family time and less running around.  But lack of structure over the past two weeks has been tough.  Tomorrow would be the day the kids start back to school.  It is likely they won't be going back at all this year.  Victoria will be the most effected.  No eighth grade graduation likely   The school could decide to bring back just eighth and 12th graders.  Either way they are all out until 4/20.  "distance learning" will start for the kids on 4/13.  Which is another reason I think they will end the schoo...
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Covid 19

Words can not expressed the range of emotions I am feeling at the moment.  One week ago we had it all planned out.  Then Covid happened.  And the whole world was suddenly on hold.  Kids had school Monday but then have been out for ten days and are scheduled to return on the 20th of April.  However most people think that is unlikely.  My heart is breaking for graduating seniors.  We cancelled our trip to Zion which may have happened any way because it was calling for snow.  I hope we will rise from this stronger but right now I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Lee now has work at home options since we have not been put on "lockdown" at this point although several other areas and cities across the county including a few in Idaho have been. I try and  look for the good.  Healthy kids, good weather, lots of projects we put off being completed.  But some moments it feels like we are missing on so much. We did church at ho...
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When you know somebody is having a hard time in their marriage.  Pull them closer.  Ask to take the kids for a weekend.  Bring them dinner.  Reach out to them.  Ask them how they are doing.   Don't insist on visiting or having them visit you.  Know that their world feels like it is falling apart and it is taking every bit of energy to put on a good face for the kids and to work and run a household.  And it is has to be done while they continue to reside with somebody who they are struggling to have the most basic of conversation with.
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