Bonding with Babies

I have a friend/neighbor who told me she called CPS on her daughters baby. One of the concerns were that mom didn't appear bonded to the baby. Baby is in NICU and mom didn't have a great bringing up. I have some concerns with the call but, my comment to her was not everybody bonds with their babies at birth. I didn't with Jake and I didn't with Luke.

There are those moms that instantly fall in love and embrace motherhood. I am not one of those moms. Motherhood has been a struggle and every time I think I have found my stride something happens and I realize that isn't the case.

I love my kids. I love that I have four healthy fairly well adjusted children. But bonding isn;t that I just natural did. Sure I took care of them and fed them but it took a few months for half my children before I "fell in love" with Luke it was much much longer then that.

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This week was a Struggle

This has been a tough week. I worked some extra hours which were only five hour shifts but were still were time away from the kids. Kids are at their breaking point and wether or not they know it they need schedules and some stablness. School starts Tuesday and comments about how people hope my kids dont kill their teachers with COVID is neither helpful or accurate. Plus we had a budget meeting after months of no meetings. In which we found out that we had once again over spent in August. Which could have been stopped if we would have known earlier in the month. I sent $1500 to student loans. Andrew turned eight yesterday and I am so thankful for him. He is become such a deep thinker and asks these amazing questions that I don't always have the answers to. The meds have helped slow him down but he is still crazy Andrew. We upped the medications and it was like he was on speed. He couldn't sleep and was kind of zombie like. Then there has been a few moments wher...

A Little COVID Update

SO what have been up to. Lots of nothing COVID sent me into a huge mess of depression and anxiety that I have slowly been getting through thanks to medication. The medications have made me a much better mom and wife. We spent a week with Lee's family at his family reunion last week. There was so many good fun times but there was also some frustration where Lee and I felt like we were the built in babysitters and people kept just leaving their children with us. I tried to be compassionate but sometimes it is hard. We are thankful for all the great memories we had, older kids got to go to Lagoon with their cousins which was fabulous despite snide comments about how much we make and what we can afford. We are thankful for Lee's brother and family hosting and always for the generosity of Lee's dad and Gina. And Lee's cousin took amazing pictures Jake got his permit and overall isn't such a bad driver just inexperienced. Marching band sort of kind of was cance...

Covid 19

Words can not expressed the range of emotions I am feeling at the moment. One week ago we had it all planned out. Then Covid happened. And the whole world was suddenly on hold. Kids had school Monday but then have been out for ten days and are scheduled to return on the 20th of April. However most people think that is unlikely. My heart is breaking for graduating seniors. We cancelled our trip to Zion which may have happened any way because it was calling for snow. I hope we will rise from this stronger but right now I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Lee now has work at home options since we have not been put on "lockdown" at this point although several other areas and cities across the county including a few in Idaho have been. I try and look for the good. Healthy kids, good weather, lots of projects we put off being completed. But some moments it feels like we are missing on so much. We did church at ho...

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