The Six of Us

I am at my breaking point right now. Being primary president, HOA president, starting a new full time job and going back to grad school all at the same time may not have been one my better ideas butsome of it I was not planning on. Add to it cross country times two and it is a lot. I have started organizing my time better such as one hour a night for school (more on the weekend if necessary) and then one hour for work. Primary could also use one hour a night but that is not happening. Both have races this week. Both seem to bee struggling with running this year. This isn't their primary sport so maybe it is all okay. But when the kid we car pool with is the best runner it is hard for me. But what I do know is that my kids are just fine and there is always room for improvement. Both can be true. We have a family member who signed divorce papers today. I have thought about it several times and I am still struggling with the trip in May when Lee left for the two weeks b...

This has been another week of tennis and track and life. In my soul I feel the need to go back to social work. But notjust any social work job. One that feels my soul and works around the boys and pays well. Maybe it is a unicorn. Maybe not. I need a certificaion to make me more marketable but right now it is just too much. SOmetimes it all feels like too much. Suddnely I relaized this wedding/open house is coming up super quick and there was more I wanted to do but maybe it will just all come togethermaybe it won't. But we just sent out a ton of invites with even more to go. It is so weird to be in a marriage and still feel so alone and so dismissed. There is still so much to say but I feel as though the end is coming quikcer then I am ready for. We have had rain on and off which has caused several tennis meet rescheduling. So in the next 11 days of the tennis sesion left we have 8 tennis meets. From April 22

My mom was in the hosptial again for five days ands was relaized on Christmas day. It has been a hard week. Once released she hasn't been able to be left alone because she is weak. Today was the worse day since she has been out of the hopsital. We are all tired and exauseted. I will be here for the next two nights. My mind is spinning and I am very whelmed. I feel like a shell of a person. Lee was gone all weekend and yesterday I drove to Burley and got our two nephews. I feel like a horrible aunt not being there. But the real question is do the boys even missed me??? Jake and Victoria move tomorrow. Seems so final. Iw ant to redo Victoria's room. I feel pulled like I need to be here with my mom as she iunsafe and then IU can't be at home cleaning. I thought we were over my mom needing 24/7 care. I don't mind being here she has been there so much for me. It is stressful wondering if she is going to fall and if she does what will that look like. ...

Mom had her surgery on October 30th/ It has been a rough recovery. Because there are only two of us daughter in the area we have been rotating spending the night at her house. Victoria has also been taking a turn. It feels as though I have been having to boucne back and forth and there just isn't enough of me to go around. Boys are styaing a lot of time alone becuase Lee has been working late and Victoria has been taying late at work. So on my nights if Lee works late then they are home. At this monet my mom has been able to stay alone for a while by herslef by still lots of checking in. My aunt has takedn some time off to help out. Here is the ting this was Val's thing. She took care of elderly people whe knew what to look for and my mom listend to her more then us maybe because she was the oldest. I am a little bitter that she left us. And sad and anger and every emotion possible. Tongiht was book club. There has been a person missing for the past year so I ...

I was discussing the previous cousin weekend and how one of the cousins opted not to come unless a sibling was able to come. That wasn;t an option for us although maybe if we would have had more of a heads up we could have arranged things or rented a car. But we weren;t told until the day of it limited options and the decsions had already been made. Anyway when I was discussing this with a group of people it became an attack on me. Which seems odd. They accused me of singling out only specific cousins which I didn't do. How I could have made it work and invited anoter cousin. With out knowing the whole story these people attacked my intergrity and it was just so strange. I agreed with some of them but it was so odd that only a few amount asked questons and sought for understanding. I can see now how such a small sliver of a story made me be the vilian. Anyway we are suppouse to leave Saturday for DC. So many mixed emotions It really is a subor of thought. So we will f...

Here is how the week went Monday: OUr 25th anniversary. I was sick. We went and tried a Cuban restrant not as good as the food we had in Miami but it was good. We love trying new local places. It ended in tears. I won't go into all the details but I am relaizing that this is not the marriage I want. I am open about what I need and we will go from there. Luke started wrestling. Tuesday: End of the year banquent for Luke and Andrew. Luke recevied the "Most Improved" Awared. Here is the thing about that. His coach talked about how during summer practice he wouldn't even run 100 yeards. He would just stop. At some point after the first meet it clicked and he just ran and did what he needed to do. He went up adn accepted the award with such confidence. Wednesday: Both boys had activities. Andrew had stayed home from school due to not felling wel. My guess is he just needed a rest. He was feeling up for going and making pizzas at the Bishop's hous...

This week has been so heavy. I had a client pass away and I never got the closure I needed/wanted. Client was not my typical client. He was different and sassy and I looked forward to seeing him every week. Then we went to a presentation. When I tried to explain how dishonest the presenter was I felt ignored. We are pretty anti MLM anyway but not wanting to know is weird to me. There are big changes coming and I am not ready for all the changes. Might be good might be a diaster. Time will tell. Mom's surgery is scheduled in about four weeks. I feel as though she moved it for us. Which is for the best for everybody but still taking on guilt that is not mine to own. Listening to the news about the LDS church shooting/fire in Michigan has been so triggering. I hate that I feel all the all the feeings. How I can envision the people there and the screaming kids and .....on and on. I wonder what changes will come to the church now that prophet died. I hope ther...

Right now I am feeling all the feels. We had such a great week with my nephew and Jake. The house is louder and has more enegy when all four kids are home. And our nephew is seriously one of favoriate people. He lets the boys hand on him and they just look up to him so muchd. So I am writting because I am not sure what else to do at this pount. I have been applying for a job(s) that I have been inspired to do for a long time. I have been really trying to to step upside of my comfort zone and apply for things that I know I can do although I have never done them before. I have been considering doing some writing and writing a book. I have no desire to be published I just want to be able to start being more creative . I have so many fears about so many things. Missy Kay turned 19 today and Andrew had his first tennis meet of the seaon. I am thankful for my people who show up to support and love us. There was this moment at the meet where one of the parents gave me haug aft...

L:ong story short I came across something that made we want to add back to this. Not sure why but hwere we go. Life is constantly chaning and I feel so mnuch surround bu death lately. Not diredctly although I fee like that is coming but more just heartbreak for so many around me. Yesterday Victoria quailfied for state. It was an answer to a prayer. I prayed she would qualify and felt strongly she would. As we left her away at the meet she was certain as were we that she hadn't qualified and then the clouds parted and she will be able to run. She told me she prayed that she would have a good last high school race. and her last race was not grea. There were tears. And rears when she called me to tell me she qualified. So rad trip to ther side of teh state next weekend Wednesday Jake is going through the temple. So many mixed feelings for so many reasons. I shouldn't expect people to show up but sometimes it is just so hard when my mom is the only "church...

This has been a tough week. I worked some extra hours which were only five hour shifts but were still were time away from the kids. Kids are at their breaking point and wether or not they know it they need schedules and some stablness. School starts Tuesday and comments about how people hope my kids dont kill their teachers with COVID is neither helpful or accurate. Plus we had a budget meeting after months of no meetings. In which we found out that we had once again over spent in August. Which could have been stopped if we would have known earlier in the month. I sent $1500 to student loans. Andrew turned eight yesterday and I am so thankful for him. He is become such a deep thinker and asks these amazing questions that I don't always have the answers to. The meds have helped slow him down but he is still crazy Andrew. We upped the medications and it was like he was on speed. He couldn't sleep and was kind of zombie like. Then there has been a few moments wher...

SO what have been up to. Lots of nothing COVID sent me into a huge mess of depression and anxiety that I have slowly been getting through thanks to medication. The medications have made me a much better mom and wife. We spent a week with Lee's family at his family reunion last week. There was so many good fun times but there was also some frustration where Lee and I felt like we were the built in babysitters and people kept just leaving their children with us. I tried to be compassionate but sometimes it is hard. We are thankful for all the great memories we had, older kids got to go to Lagoon with their cousins which was fabulous despite snide comments about how much we make and what we can afford. We are thankful for Lee's brother and family hosting and always for the generosity of Lee's dad and Gina. And Lee's cousin took amazing pictures Jake got his permit and overall isn't such a bad driver just inexperienced. Marching band sort of kind of was cance...

The governor came out on Wednesday and ordered a lock down.  It seems like a good idea and will not changed our lives all that much.  We did decided that we would only go to the grocery store once a week we went last Friday.  We will go tomorrow which means it will be nine days.  Kids haven't been in a store in weeks.  Lots of time in the garden and working on yard projects.  It has been good and bad.  More family time and less running around.  But lack of structure over the past two weeks has been tough.  Tomorrow would be the day the kids start back to school.  It is likely they won't be going back at all this year.  Victoria will be the most effected.  No eighth grade graduation likely   The school could decide to bring back just eighth and 12th graders.  Either way they are all out until 4/20.  "distance learning" will start for the kids on 4/13.  Which is another reason I think they will end the schoo...

Words can not expressed the range of emotions I am feeling at the moment.  One week ago we had it all planned out.  Then Covid happened.  And the whole world was suddenly on hold.  Kids had school Monday but then have been out for ten days and are scheduled to return on the 20th of April.  However most people think that is unlikely.  My heart is breaking for graduating seniors.  We cancelled our trip to Zion which may have happened any way because it was calling for snow.  I hope we will rise from this stronger but right now I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Lee now has work at home options since we have not been put on "lockdown" at this point although several other areas and cities across the county including a few in Idaho have been. I try and  look for the good.  Healthy kids, good weather, lots of projects we put off being completed.  But some moments it feels like we are missing on so much. We did church at ho...

When you know somebody is having a hard time in their marriage.  Pull them closer.  Ask to take the kids for a weekend.  Bring them dinner.  Reach out to them.  Ask them how they are doing.   Don't insist on visiting or having them visit you.  Know that their world feels like it is falling apart and it is taking every bit of energy to put on a good face for the kids and to work and run a household.  And it is has to be done while they continue to reside with somebody who they are struggling to have the most basic of conversation with.

On Sunday I was triggered by two seemingly different events.  One was a Facebook post and one a text to a wrong number But they triggered me big time.  Those triggers along with two back to back emotional days on BHU with a violent patient made me drained.  The rainy cold gray weather doesn't help either,  So even though I didn't really feel like it yesterday I went to the food pantry.  I was sad for how little food we had left.  I felt joy for all the people bringing in angel tree gifts to help some child they don't even know.  I was touched by the anonymous donation from somebody who donated what people need.  I am still feel emotionally drained but I feel like there is hope in all this crazy triggered emotionally week, This week has been insanity.  Something every night and I am working the weekend.  I was in charge of the relief society Christmas party which went well.  Plus band and orchestra concerts and a race Saturday.

Over the weekend we found out that a family member was going through a hard time.  Their spouse was in the hospital and it didn't look good.  It was the day of my birthday and I felt prompted to make a blanket and send it to them.  So after going to two different stores I found the material I wanted and went home to work on it.  As I made it I prayed over the blanket that it would offered the comfort that we couldn't offer being so far away.  Today the blanket was delivered and they text saying it was just perfect and they were so thankful that I had thought of them and sent it.  I am thankful I listened to the spirit and thankful for a spouse who encouraged me to do it even thought I was second guessing it at times. 

After a doctor's appointment we got the all clear and what I was stressing about wasn't as bad as I thought.  It is cold so cold here.  I spend last week in Arizona and I am considering going back in February just so I can get some sun.  There are so many hard things going on and I am just feeling overwhelmed and I like everything is falling apart.   Such is life I suppose

Uggg.... I am totally stressing about something that I don’t even know if I should be stressing about but it has to do with health stuff and even if it is bad we won’t know for several weeks possibly months.  So we will wait.  Something  I don’t do well.  I am thankful for good friends who are able to walk with me and be real. Lee is gone for a few days for a company retreat.  Which means fancy hotel and food and an hour of work stuff 🤣.   I started now spend four hours a week volunteering at the food pantry handing out food boxes.  It feeds my soul and I love it sooo much.  It has been such a blessing.  I also spend a few hours a week at the school helping in the boys classrooms.  Which I love love.  Speaking of classrooms I signed up to start subbing as soon as I get my background check.  It just feels like the right thing.  May not last long.  And it would only be 2-3 days a week. I applied for another job b...

Lee left Friday and will come home on Saturday for his annual bike trip.  And this week has been rough.  Weekend was full off fighting kids way more then normal.  Plus it was the kids’ biggest race of the year.  Yesterday wasn’t awful but I burst into tears several times because I was just so overwhelmed.  There is a fundraiser at school an.d every time I turn around something has come up.  Plus carpool and somebody always needs something.  Both kids have races on Thursday.  Friday is the high school homecoming game and I told the boys we could go forgetting Lee wasn’t home.  Older kids don’t want to go. Saturday I am doing a 10k which I downgraded from the half. Which I am not at all ready for but I am going to do it anyway. I did some cleaning and the house isn’t a totally mess.  But it is a struggle.  We decided pizza one night on Thursday and other then that we have had a home cooked dinner every night.

Yesterday was tough.  I worked four days with one day off and then four days with one off which was yesterday.  The original plan was that I would be off until we return from the beach.  But last minute my boss at BHU asked me to cover two shifts today and tomorrow and then a co-worker at St Al's asked that I cover the last half of her shift tonight.   Last night after going to the park I ended up with a migraine.  I rarely get them but they are usually trigger with dehydration.  Which I am pretty sure is what happened yesterday.  Being overworked and overtired and having some stresses with school starting I wasn't drinking enough.  And my body crashed and burned.  Throwing up and not being able to keep meds down was awful.  Up until two in the morning unable to sleep because of the pain.   Today I got up and went to work.  Lee would have prefered I stayed home but not sure that would have been any better...