This has been another week of tennis and track and life. In my soul I feel the need to go back to social work. But notjust any social work job. One that feels my soul and works around the boys and pays well. Maybe it is a unicorn. Maybe not. I need a certificaion to make me more marketable but right now it is just too much. SOmetimes it all feels like too much. Suddnely I relaized this wedding/open house is coming up super quick and there was more I wanted to do but maybe it will just all come togethermaybe it won't. But we just sent out a ton of invites with even more to go.
It is so weird to be in a marriage and still feel so alone and so dismissed. There is still so much to say but I feel as though the end is coming quikcer then I am ready for.
We have had rain on and off which has caused several tennis meet rescheduling. So in the next 11 days of the tennis sesion left we have 8 tennis meets.
From April 22
I sometimes wonder where to draw the line in this whole blogging thing. I could make us look like the "perfect" family or I could deal with all of our disappointment and make everybody think that we quite possible have the worse life ever. Or maybe there is a middle ground somewhere that I have yet to find in this blog. Today was a rough day. Don't get me wrong I am so excited that everybody around me is having babies. But for some reason today I was caught up in the losses all over again. I am wondering when it stops. Maybe it never does. Maybe it will be a life time of wondering what if I would have gone full term. Several people have asked when (or if) we are going to have another baby. I am not sure. Sometimes that answer is yes and sometimes it is no. But one thing is for certain it isn't right now. Really I don't need to have a ton of kids to fill some void. I love my two kids and if that is all ...
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