Time to dust this off

L:ong story short I came across something that made we want to add back to this. Not sure why but hwere we go. Life is constantly chaning and I feel so mnuch surround bu death lately. Not diredctly although I fee like that is coming but more just heartbreak for so many around me. Yesterday Victoria quailfied for state. It was an answer to a prayer. I prayed she would qualify and felt strongly she would. As we left her away at the meet she was certain as were we that she hadn't qualified and then the clouds parted and she will be able to run. She told me she prayed that she would have a good last high school race. and her last race was not grea. There were tears. And rears when she called me to tell me she qualified. So rad trip to ther side of teh state next weekend Wednesday Jake is going through the temple. So many mixed feelings for so many reasons. I shouldn't expect people to show up but sometimes it is just so hard when my mom is the only "church" support we have on my side. I wish that we had those great big chruch events where 100 people show up to celebrate my kids. But that won't ever be a things and as painful as it is i am working on accwepting it. On the other had all those people would be hard in some ways knowing what i know. My heart is breaking and at peace and rasing adults is so hard and I have to be so careful who I say that to because there is so much "I don;t have those issues let me tell you how great my kids are" Lee has been sick for a week. It feels as though my house is falling apart work is complicated ands I fee like I am failing at every turn. Although I have started feeling more motivated and I told Lee the other day I just "pushed through the depression" At the end of the day it just is what it is. October is usually such a hard month for me but I feel like this one has been better then last 15. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Dad would have stuck around or I would have a carried that baby to term.