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Overwhelmed

I am at my breaking point right now. Being primary president, HOA president, starting a new full time job and going back to grad school all at the same time may not have been one my better ideas butsome of it I was not planning on. Add to it cross country times two and it is a lot. I have started organizing my time better such as one hour a night for school (more on the weekend if necessary) and then one hour for work. Primary could also use one hour a night but that is not happening. Both have races this week. Both seem to bee struggling with running this year. This isn't their primary sport so maybe it is all okay. But when the kid we car pool with is the best runner it is hard for me. But what I do know is that my kids are just fine and there is always room for improvement. Both can be true. We have a family member who signed divorce papers today. I have thought about it several times and I am still struggling with the trip in May when Lee left for the two weeks b...
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Ramblings

This has been another week of tennis and track and life. In my soul I feel the need to go back to social work. But notjust any social work job. One that feels my soul and works around the boys and pays well. Maybe it is a unicorn. Maybe not. I need a certificaion to make me more marketable but right now it is just too much. SOmetimes it all feels like too much. Suddnely I relaized this wedding/open house is coming up super quick and there was more I wanted to do but maybe it will just all come togethermaybe it won't. But we just sent out a ton of invites with even more to go. It is so weird to be in a marriage and still feel so alone and so dismissed. There is still so much to say but I feel as though the end is coming quikcer then I am ready for. We have had rain on and off which has caused several tennis meet rescheduling. So in the next 11 days of the tennis sesion left we have 8 tennis meets. From April 22
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Rough Week

My mom was in the hosptial again for five days ands was relaized on Christmas day. It has been a hard week. Once released she hasn't been able to be left alone because she is weak. Today was the worse day since she has been out of the hopsital. We are all tired and exauseted. I will be here for the next two nights. My mind is spinning and I am very whelmed. I feel like a shell of a person. Lee was gone all weekend and yesterday I drove to Burley and got our two nephews. I feel like a horrible aunt not being there. But the real question is do the boys even missed me??? Jake and Victoria move tomorrow. Seems so final. Iw ant to redo Victoria's room. I feel pulled like I need to be here with my mom as she iunsafe and then IU can't be at home cleaning. I thought we were over my mom needing 24/7 care. I don't mind being here she has been there so much for me. It is stressful wondering if she is going to fall and if she does what will that look like. ...
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Surgery...missing people....and real people

Mom had her surgery on October 30th/ It has been a rough recovery. Because there are only two of us daughter in the area we have been rotating spending the night at her house. Victoria has also been taking a turn. It feels as though I have been having to boucne back and forth and there just isn't enough of me to go around. Boys are styaing a lot of time alone becuase Lee has been working late and Victoria has been taying late at work. So on my nights if Lee works late then they are home. At this monet my mom has been able to stay alone for a while by herslef by still lots of checking in. My aunt has takedn some time off to help out. Here is the ting this was Val's thing. She took care of elderly people whe knew what to look for and my mom listend to her more then us maybe because she was the oldest. I am a little bitter that she left us. And sad and anger and every emotion possible. Tongiht was book club. There has been a person missing for the past year so I ...
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Cousins and parenting and vicious attacks

I was discussing the previous cousin weekend and how one of the cousins opted not to come unless a sibling was able to come. That wasn;t an option for us although maybe if we would have had more of a heads up we could have arranged things or rented a car. But we weren;t told until the day of it limited options and the decsions had already been made. Anyway when I was discussing this with a group of people it became an attack on me. Which seems odd. They accused me of singling out only specific cousins which I didn't do. How I could have made it work and invited anoter cousin. With out knowing the whole story these people attacked my intergrity and it was just so strange. I agreed with some of them but it was so odd that only a few amount asked questons and sought for understanding. I can see now how such a small sliver of a story made me be the vilian. Anyway we are suppouse to leave Saturday for DC. So many mixed emotions It really is a subor of thought. So we will f...
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It has been a week

Here is how the week went Monday: OUr 25th anniversary. I was sick. We went and tried a Cuban restrant not as good as the food we had in Miami but it was good. We love trying new local places. It ended in tears. I won't go into all the details but I am relaizing that this is not the marriage I want. I am open about what I need and we will go from there. Luke started wrestling. Tuesday: End of the year banquent for Luke and Andrew. Luke recevied the "Most Improved" Awared. Here is the thing about that. His coach talked about how during summer practice he wouldn't even run 100 yeards. He would just stop. At some point after the first meet it clicked and he just ran and did what he needed to do. He went up adn accepted the award with such confidence. Wednesday: Both boys had activities. Andrew had stayed home from school due to not felling wel. My guess is he just needed a rest. He was feeling up for going and making pizzas at the Bishop's hous...
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Heavy Week

This week has been so heavy. I had a client pass away and I never got the closure I needed/wanted. Client was not my typical client. He was different and sassy and I looked forward to seeing him every week. Then we went to a presentation. When I tried to explain how dishonest the presenter was I felt ignored. We are pretty anti MLM anyway but not wanting to know is weird to me. There are big changes coming and I am not ready for all the changes. Might be good might be a diaster. Time will tell. Mom's surgery is scheduled in about four weeks. I feel as though she moved it for us. Which is for the best for everybody but still taking on guilt that is not mine to own. Listening to the news about the LDS church shooting/fire in Michigan has been so triggering. I hate that I feel all the all the feeings. How I can envision the people there and the screaming kids and .....on and on. I wonder what changes will come to the church now that prophet died. I hope ther...
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