The Six of Us

Last night I was sitting in Target parking lot  with the realization just how unhealthy a relationship had become. I had done a pretty good job in the past month not reaching out  and needing validation and not trying to help.    But then out of the blue this person text me.  They weren’t real and it all was superficial and really felt like an  I know something you don’t” kind of deal.  . I text my best friend a book about how I needed counseling and how I needed to let go of this toxicity. She agreed  that counseling may help and that I did need to find a way to stop putting more effort into this then the other person.    Then she said by letting go of unhealthy relationships I could make room for new healthy ones.  I felt peace.  Today I was reading an article and a paragraph about always seeking out relationship and needing that validation was super unhealthy .  It went on to say that it was about me trying to prove I ...

Here is the situation.  I was venting to a family member about how I was trying to find some information from a family member and I was totally ignored.  Their response was that I just need to be more flexiable.  I was hurt.  I needed somebody to mourn with me the fact that I needed to make plans.  I needed to book a (not cheap) hotel.  and waiting it made it less likely we could find something reasonabke. 

Several weeks ago I felt strongly we should pray about several things.  One is selling our house the other was offering to help out with child care for a family member.  But things weren't what I originally thought they were in regards to child care.  I still feel strongly that we should be doing child care for this family member but, we are waiting for them to ask for help.  Because in the end I am not entitled to revelation for another person and second it would be sacrifice for us both financially and emotionally.  Much like sometimes we need to pray for things before they are given to us.  But the thought is still there and it is nagging me.  I still feel strongly we should sell the house.  But we are waiting to pay off some debt.  I am decluttering and doing some deep cleaning and then when the time is right we will be where we need to be. At least that is the plan. There is another thought that popped into my mind as we were on vaca...

I believe that church is a place full of such fakeness.  Nobody wants to be that one LDS family who is struggling and doesn't fit in.  Nobody wants to say that their kids are struggling.  Because nobody wants to break that sense that everything is "fine".  Because if don't  we admit that we aren't happy in our marriage or we are disappointed in the gender of our baby.  Or that we are six figures in debt.  Or that we are suffering from infertility.  We just  can continue to be 'fine"  When we start being vulnerable and start saying that we aren't fine then we open ourselves up to people judging us.  But we also open ourselves up to other people offering support and saying.  "Hey I got you girl"  Sometimes life is tough but the people around us are tougher.  If we pick those people who are strong.  However, I think we need to be there on the other side and be strong when others are weak.  This is...

Right before family reunion last year I had this dream.  In the dream I walked in to a room where several adults were sitting discussing Victoria’s decisions to wear talk tops.  In the dream I lost my cool.  Victoria told me this week that she had walked into a room  during reunion where several adults were discussing her dyed hair and said it was against church teachings.  She said she didn’t mention it at the time because she knew I would be upset.    I am beyond upset.  I don’t understand why adults feel the need to criticize a 12 year old girl.  Who gets good grades in honor classes who loves dreaming big.  Who serves in class presidency and is working hard to get her young women’s in excellence.  Who is an amazing big sister.  Who is compassionate and is learning to speak up for the wrong in the world.  A girl who can see both sides of an argument and come to her own conclusion.  Why would anybody judge this girl...

Two weeks ago my in-laws came into town for Jake's birthday and ordination . It was a great weekend.  Although I worked half of it.  Sunday my mom came over for Jakes birthday celebration and we had good food and a good time.   But then Andrew got sick on Sunday.  And likely made my mother in law sick as well as my mom.  Sunday was rough.  Andrew was up all night with fever induced hallucinations.  At one point he shut himself in the bathroom and refused to come out until I assured him all the bad guys were gone.  My mother in law was up all night coughing and between the coughing and hallucinations it was one of the longest scariest nights of my life.  Andrew's fever wouldn't break.  In the morning he seemed better however, Monday night he had one more episode of the hallucinations.  Monday my mother in law was super sick and slept most the day on our couch.  Despite my several offers to drive her to McCall she decline....

I have decided not to set any goals for 2019.  Which doesn't mean I will be sitting on the couch watching HGTV it means smaller goals day by day and week by week.  I am focusing on staying in the moment more and a year is a long time and so so much can change.  WE did set some financial goals.  Lee and I sort of agree and sort of don't. So I am going to focus on my health both physically and mentally and let things fall where they will fall.  There are some home projects on my list as well as some books I want to read.  More then anything I want to let go and be more present.  We are planning a trip to the beach.  There is a trip I will likely have to cancel that I wanted to go on.  But the summer is way to short and money doesn't grow on trees so I had to cut some where.  My word for the year is "DO".  I am constantly second guessing myself and talking myself out of things.  This year I want to just do it.  I...