As soon as I am done with school I am going to make a decision that will change my life. It will seriously change everything about my life. But I keep having second thoughts about leaving. What will it do to the kids? To Lee? Does it really matter as long as I am doing what is best for me? If it is best for me then I think I will do it. Doing what is best for me is really best for the whole family. I am struggling with what to do. I am sure it will come to me once my mind is clearer. I know some people will be supportive yet there will be those who will judge and think I should stay. After all stability is so important. I really wish things would have turned out differently but they didn't.
I sometimes wonder where to draw the line in this whole blogging thing. I could make us look like the "perfect" family or I could deal with all of our disappointment and make everybody think that we quite possible have the worse life ever. Or maybe there is a middle ground somewhere that I have yet to find in this blog. Today was a rough day. Don't get me wrong I am so excited that everybody around me is having babies. But for some reason today I was caught up in the losses all over again. I am wondering when it stops. Maybe it never does. Maybe it will be a life time of wondering what if I would have gone full term. Several people have asked when (or if) we are going to have another baby. I am not sure. Sometimes that answer is yes and sometimes it is no. But one thing is for certain it isn't right now. Really I don't need to have a ton of kids to fill some void. I love my two kids and if that is all ...
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