A year ago today after a long day at my parent's home I came home to tell the kids my Dad probably would die the next day. Victoria said, "No he can't die on a holiday." He didn't listen....But then again his legal death dad would end up being November 1st. The night was one of the longest of my life. With dad totally drugged up we slept on the floor in the family room while he was in the living room. It was draining day. I spent most of the day sitting in the chair in the living room by my dad texting my best friend. I wouldn't have survived with out her. It was so hard and I just wanted it all to end but then I didn't want to lose dad.
I sometimes wonder where to draw the line in this whole blogging thing. I could make us look like the "perfect" family or I could deal with all of our disappointment and make everybody think that we quite possible have the worse life ever. Or maybe there is a middle ground somewhere that I have yet to find in this blog. Today was a rough day. Don't get me wrong I am so excited that everybody around me is having babies. But for some reason today I was caught up in the losses all over again. I am wondering when it stops. Maybe it never does. Maybe it will be a life time of wondering what if I would have gone full term. Several people have asked when (or if) we are going to have another baby. I am not sure. Sometimes that answer is yes and sometimes it is no. But one thing is for certain it isn't right now. Really I don't need to have a ton of kids to fill some void. I love my two kids and if that is all ...
Comments
Post a Comment