I was fine I felt peace about Dad dying. He suffered so much the past two months. Then it hit me and now I am bitter. I am bitter he will never see his grand child. Bitter that he won't be here when my kids graduated high school or college. He won't be there for weddings or missions. Bitter that he was so young. Bitter he suffered for so long. Bitter he left my mom alone. Bitter he won't attend another sporting event for my kids or another grandparent day at school.
I sometimes wonder where to draw the line in this whole blogging thing. I could make us look like the "perfect" family or I could deal with all of our disappointment and make everybody think that we quite possible have the worse life ever. Or maybe there is a middle ground somewhere that I have yet to find in this blog. Today was a rough day. Don't get me wrong I am so excited that everybody around me is having babies. But for some reason today I was caught up in the losses all over again. I am wondering when it stops. Maybe it never does. Maybe it will be a life time of wondering what if I would have gone full term. Several people have asked when (or if) we are going to have another baby. I am not sure. Sometimes that answer is yes and sometimes it is no. But one thing is for certain it isn't right now. Really I don't need to have a ton of kids to fill some void. I love my two kids and if that is all ...
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