Two years already...

Out of the blue sometimes it hits me.  It was two years ago this month I miscarriage. The due date was in October.  I would have had a year and half year old running around here. Sometimes I think about it and think there is no way I could do that again.  18 month old children are so full of energy well mine were.  Which is a good thing.  It means they are healthy and active.  But it is hard because of the constant supervision.    Even though it has been two years I still struggle with certain family members because of that night.  I struggle with the lack of support.  I slid into a dark place and I felt as though I was alone.  People around me would say the dumbest things.  All I could think was really?  Somebody trying to help ( I think) said something that still to this day I found so clueless that it bothers me still.  There were people who I thought should have been there but never were.  But those same people who did not support me and my family when we needed them most still are not supportive of us.  I think it was just a turning point for me.  It was the first time that I really needed somebody a shoulder to cry on and I felt I was let down. 

There was one person who was there but isn't now.  I believe that person was suppose to be in my life when she was and now because of certain life situations were are no longer close.  But she was my support my shoulder to cry on.  She had been there done that.  Only weeks before I had.  And six months later we were there again. 

One of the great mysteries is why?  Why I miscarried....I have my theories.  But they are mine. 

I don't want anybody to think that I have not moved on.  Because I have.  I just sometimes look back and wonder what might have been.  The pain is gone for the most part.  I don't think I will ever forget.  Everything surrounding that day was so horrid. 

Not sure why I picked today to reminisce.