Too stressed and anxious to sleep. Questions in my mind. What if it goes well? Could I really come back to this place? What would we do? What would I do? Could the kids handle it? Could I handle it? It could be worse. It isn't too far. Doctors? Dance class? Soccer? Could I really do it? Is it better then the unknown? We would not be alone. Questions with no answers at this point. Just a lot of what if. Lee doesn't like what ifs. Deal with it when we get there. If we never get there all the worries were for nothing. Wishing I could be more like that.
I sometimes wonder where to draw the line in this whole blogging thing. I could make us look like the "perfect" family or I could deal with all of our disappointment and make everybody think that we quite possible have the worse life ever. Or maybe there is a middle ground somewhere that I have yet to find in this blog. Today was a rough day. Don't get me wrong I am so excited that everybody around me is having babies. But for some reason today I was caught up in the losses all over again. I am wondering when it stops. Maybe it never does. Maybe it will be a life time of wondering what if I would have gone full term. Several people have asked when (or if) we are going to have another baby. I am not sure. Sometimes that answer is yes and sometimes it is no. But one thing is for certain it isn't right now. Really I don't need to have a ton of kids to fill some void. I love my two kids and if that is all ...
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