So not surprising but still disappointing is how I would describe today. Things aren't getting better. I am so hurt by the whole situation and I think others are too. I am just so ready to be done with all of it. I sometimes wish I could just cut off contact with certain people. Somebody asked how I was doing and then moments later left the conversation. If you really cared you have have lasted more then 30 seconds after my response. You would know part of the issue was you. But you don't know or care because everything is all about you. It has been the same things for years. I am figuring out that people never change. Never really change. Sure they can fake it for a while but after a while they go back to who they really are. I wish I could stop thinking there is really something out there. Stop thinking there is somebody out there. It is all so complicated and hard to explain. How do I explain that the issue is mine not yours with out hurting feelings. With out sounding like a total brat. I really want to move on but then what?
I sometimes wonder where to draw the line in this whole blogging thing. I could make us look like the "perfect" family or I could deal with all of our disappointment and make everybody think that we quite possible have the worse life ever. Or maybe there is a middle ground somewhere that I have yet to find in this blog. Today was a rough day. Don't get me wrong I am so excited that everybody around me is having babies. But for some reason today I was caught up in the losses all over again. I am wondering when it stops. Maybe it never does. Maybe it will be a life time of wondering what if I would have gone full term. Several people have asked when (or if) we are going to have another baby. I am not sure. Sometimes that answer is yes and sometimes it is no. But one thing is for certain it isn't right now. Really I don't need to have a ton of kids to fill some void. I love my two kids and if that is all ...
Comments
Post a Comment